Here's How Much Damage Samsung's Galaxy S7 Can Take
We already know that Samsung's Galaxy S7 is one of the most versatile smartphones ever made, complete with edge-to-edge displays, water resistance, and a huge battery. But what's versatility without durability? How much punishment can the Galaxy S7 take? Let's play a game of Samsung Galaxy S7 Punch-Out!! and see what happens.
My prediction? Pain.
Our hero on this journey is "Little Sam," a plucky little Galaxy S7 edge, dead-set on persevering past the torment of some of the greatest hazards to smartphone safety.
Little Sam will have to fight through three circuits—Minor, Major, and World—to become the undisputed smartphone heavyweight champion.
Little Sam's first challenge is Plain Old Water. The Galaxy S7 has an IP68 water-resistance rating, so this should be cake.
Little Sam dominates the early rounds, but isn't able to put Plain Old Water down for the count.
Seeing that Water isn't putting up much of a fight, but refuses to go down, the ref calls the fight in favor of Little Sam.
Little Sam's next challenge is quite the step up from Plain Old Water—the dreaded Washing Machine. Little Sam has heard stories of his ancestors being trapped inside the watery vortices, and the results were not pretty.
Washing Machine comes out throwing haymakers, but Little Sam is able to withstand the onslaught.
Our hero takes a little bit of a bruising from Washing Machine, but is able to land the knockout blow late in the sixth round. Sweet dreams, Washing Machine.
Plain Old Water was not happy about losing to Little Sam. In fact, it was so mad that it transformed into Boiling Mad Water.
Boiling Mad Water started furiously, throwing a flurry of combinations. Little Sam was able to block most of the attack, but doing so wore him out, and he momentarily lost consciousness. The heat from Boiling Mad Water did its best to loosen up Little Sam's watertight seal, but in the end it was to no avail.
Little Sam was able to regain his composure, fighting back in the late rounds.
Just like the fight against Plain Old Water, the referee determined that water—even when Boiling Mad—was not effective, and called the fight in Little Sam's favor.
Little Sam was declared champion of the Minor Circuit. Next up—the Major Circuit.
Little Sam began his training for the Major Circuit by sparring against Billy Bender and Shawn Scratcher, who bent and scratched Little Sam, respectively. Each was able to dish out a modicum of abuse to Little Sam—Scratcher even left a few scars.
However, our hero handled the pain fairly well. He was ready for his first bout in the Major Circuit, against the dreaded Disposable Flame.
Little Sam quickly found out that the competition in the Major Circuit is a lot tougher. Disposable Flame applied pressure early and often, but in the end, Little Sam withstood the attack and snuffed out Disposable Flame.
Like Water, Disposable Flame's attacks were effective to a point, but the ref called the match once it was obvious that the damage that Disposable Flame was dishing out had peaked. Little Sam moves on once more via technical knockout.
Next up, Little Sam squared off against the forces of gravity, which took the form of Sir Isaac Newton. Were he to win here, Little Sam would move on to the final circuit for a shot at the world championship.
It was clear from the opening bell that Sir Newton was not playing around. He utilized his dreaded "reverse uppercut" to repeatedly send Little Sam to the mat in the early rounds.
Little Sam withstood the abuse though, pushing himself off the canvas after each knockdown. Sir Newton continued to rain down blows, but none of them could knock Little Sam out. Little Sam sat back against the ropes as Sir Newton exhausted himself by over-punching. Unable to carry on, the ref again called the match in Little Sam's favor.
Take that, Newton.
These final bouts are going to be a doozy. Time for a little training.
Little Sam finally reached the largest stage, where his fiercest competition awaited. First up would be the Intercontinental title holder, Jack "The Knife" Cleaver. Beyond that lies the world champ, "Hammerin" Henry "The Hammer" Hamm, or Quad H for short.
Little Sam came out strong in his the bout against "The Knife," with well-placed counterpunches. The Knife slashed across Little Sam's front display and his back panel, but no damage whatsoever.
In the later rounds, The Knife switched up its strategy and started to focus on Little Sam's aluminum frame. This proved much more effective, leaving permanent scars along Little Sam's sides.
The fight went the distance, and it was so close that the judges awarded a split decision.
Fortunately for Little Sam, The Knife was busted for performance enhancing drugs shortly after their fight, putting our hero next in line to take on The Hammer.
The Hammer didn't seem to take Little Sam seriously leading up to the fight, brushing him off to say that he was fighting way out of his class, relaying that he didn't stand one single iota of a chance.
Turns out The Hammer was right. After toying with Little Sam in the first round, The Hammer rained devastating blows onto Little Sam which sent him to the mat, fracturing nearly every bone in his body.
It was a tough loss for Little Sam to swallow, but he eventually looked on the bright side. He had made it farther against The Hammer than any of his ancestors had—and most of them had been killed in the ring. Little Sam needed a lot of medical attention, but at least he was repairable after the fight.
Little Sam retired after months of recovery following his clash with The Hammer. He may not have ever earned the World Championship belt, but Little Sam had no regrets. He utilized all of his abilities to get a shot at the title, and he never gave up, no matter what got in his way.
And in the end, belts don't matter. It's about the fight in the phone, not the phone in the fight.